19 March 2009

Internal Turmoil

This morning didn't start off very well. Although I woke up and moved about without much problem and the day seemed to initially start off well, I finally called Ashley after having not been able to have time to speak to her since Monday evening. We began talking about how her last couple days have been, but then moved on to the subject of her family getting another cat. Now, I have no problem with having additional pets, but they were thinking about getting another kitten in the likeness of their recently deceased cat. With the recent experiences I've had (and seen) with their recently adopted kitten, October, I personally didn't think that it would be the wisest decision to adopt another kitten just yet. Because of the craziness that October creates, it has forced Ashley's other cat, Baby, into hiding because October constantly pesters her, and as a result Baby is constantly on the lookout for October and is showing signs of stress, which is probably very detrimental to her health (as it is she has lost weight, which isn't so much a bad thing except by the means at which she lost it; and she has begun to look quite ragged).
I announced my opinion, which, to be fair, her family quite often does without request as well, but immediately met strong defense. Ashley claimed that I was voicing my opinion quite harshly, which I may admit that I probably did, though in no way did I ever make any demeaning comments nor attempt to sway their decision in any way. Unfortunately, Ashley did not take my opinion as just that, an opinion, claiming that I was "forcing my opinion on her," when in actuality I was bringing up points because I wanted to know the various cases in which they justified the decision. The argument merely was a series of opinions on hypotheticals and confusion that I wanted clarification on so that I could better understand why the decision came about and what they were going to do about it. The argument continued to go downhill (as it often does) as communication began to deteriorate and tensions escalated. Now, I completely and fully understood that it was not my decision (which I was trying to make clear that I understood that it wasn't), but she claimed that it wouldn't affect me, at which point I knew that it would in some way which would be unknown at this point in time. This is because I spend my weekends with her at her house since a) she does not yet have her car, b) I don't have a place of my own that she can come to, and c) she has voiced her opinion that she does not want to move out quite yet - but these are separate issues. Therefore, I've been trying to work around the problems she has created so that I could be with her (though she sometimes minimizes or forgets just how difficult those workarounds can become sometimes). Regardless, this conversation turned into a blame that I was being a "jackass" and that I was being "immature" about the situation, when in fact all I was doing was trying to express my opinion and understand more as to why they wanted to have another kitten.
In effect, the argument (and sudden defense and refusal to accept opposing opinions) reminded me of the responses that are usually received by her elder sister, who also jumps to the defense whenever there are opposing opinions to decisions that she is proposing, and vehemently stands her ground, foregoing any expression of the reasoning behind the creation of the decision (and proposed courses of action) which may alleviate the argument's severity. Needless to say, the whole situation (and the aggregation of other situations similar to it from the past) has left me sincerely re-evaluating our relationship, and is leaving me quite uncertain about our future together. I had made a promise a long time ago that I would never end the relationship, but I also made her a promise that I would never hurt her, emotionally and physically. Situations like this, however, cause conflict between the two promises, and I am left wondering whether to endure and put her through more pain at each conflict we encounter, or choose the cliched heroic route and save her the pain and suffering, allowing her a better life free of my argumentative nature, although leaving may in fact cause more severe hurt. And so I mull over the options: stay or go, but which one would be better for her, I'm not sure. I've tried changing myself, but when faced with "I want you to voice your opinion and be open with me" and "Don't be so harsh in your opinions" it is very difficult to satisfy both conditions at near real-time in some situations like this where my opinion contains a good amount of emotion in it and when your personality and character are not originally inclined to do so. Alas, what to do...

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