08 November 2006

Tired, Frustrated, Overworked, and Disappointed

I know that no matter what I say, people will say "Oh, quit being a martyr - its life. Get over it," but honestly, people are now seeing what I've been trying to do, and are now understanding just how much work I must do on a daily basis, just to survive. I can't tell you just how much work I have to do before I can finally relax - and relaxation has been reduced to just sleeping in the late hours of the evening. Waking up early in the morning to be at school at God-forsaken hours of the morning, fighting the urge to fall asleep in class, struggling to understand the concepts in class, jetting from school to work, working hours attempting to make sales whilst preventing the outbreak of horrible outlashes to management over poor performance numbers (if there isn't anybody to sell anything to, then there aren't going to be sales - duh!), then coming home to somehow do a little bit of homework before lying on my bed to talk my love before falling asleep. Yes, all this in the period of a day, every Monday through Friday. Saturday and Sundays are somewhat easier since I don't have to run around (except when we have Goddamned meetings at 8AM on some Saturdays), but I usually spend those days trying to read the chapters I went over in class, then attempt to understand and perform the homework assigned, which usually go incomplete because of the lack of time and ability to understand the material.
I never thought university life was going to be so difficult, and today was one of those times when I began to lose hope that what I was doing was right for me. I see the thousands of dollars that I have spent on education waste away daily as I try desperately to better myself, only finding myself taking steps backwards and seemingly confined to never having a personal life. It is daunting, tiring work, and its rewards now do not seem all that beneficial. Will I really get a good paying job that will utilize my skills and my knowledge, making me feel as if I am really doing something with my life? Or am I forever condemned to a life where I go from job to job, holding them for a period of time only to find that I am in a worse position than when I left off.
I want to move away into my own place (hell, I'm going to be 22 pretty soon), and have my girlfriend move in with me (and hope that someday I will be able to propose to her and marry the one woman who has supported me in more ways than anyone else). I don't know, I feel as if I've become a horrible boyfriend because I can't be with her when I want to be and when she calls on me to be there. She understands that I have responsibilities that will possibly help me get to where I am going (wherever it may be), but I don't know what is more important now: being there for the ones we love in times when they need or want you by their side, or securing a future where you will be able to be there for each other. Its a now or later question. But each time I think about it, and recently I've been thinking about it a lot, the more I'm discouraged because I can't be there now. I guess I'm just afraid that because of our seperation that my relationship will suffer and we will find ourselves drifting apart. I don't want that, and will do anything in my power within reason to prevent it, and I know she feels the same. Its just a fear, but a fear that I would not be able to bear if it were to come true.

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